DEAD LIKE ME

I'm the Pope and I approve this advert.

2009-04-02T00:43:50Z

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/5087523/Dancing-Pope-advert-banned.html

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2009-03-31T21:04:00

2009-04-01T04:05:21Z

It's Side Splitting. LoL!

2005-08-07T08:06:52Z

fark

Chasing Dogma

2005-08-07T01:09:46Z

How long has it been since I last updated? The answer: Far too long. I was asked to attend a fly-by-night, seat-of-your-pants lecture tour. There was no way I could say no, so I didn't and I went. Five hundred plains of existence later, here I am. Well actually I got back on Thursday night. Friday, God had a screening of "Constantine" at the Big House. How he got a copy on Laserdisc I'll never know. Oh! that's right, he's God! Why he'd want such a piece of antiquated technology is beyond me. Some of his prized possessions are the eight track in his caddy and a new betamax player for his bedroom. More than anything, I think he has a problem letting go of the past.

Speaking of

I've apparently been moved while I was out. If you remember my last post, someone broke in and wrecked my place. Well, now I'm living with God. I'm starting to think the lecture tour was a ploy to get me out of Heaven so he could move me into his place. I also think God had something to do with my place being wrecked. Can you say "Hired Goons", I knew you could. He says I'm safer here, how can this place not be safe, I ask, it's HEAVEN!

There's Going To Be Hell To Pay.

2005-07-03T05:09:30Z

I went on holiday for just a few days. When I returned, I found my home in a total mess. Everything I owned had been turned over, broken, bent, disorganized and pissed on. Dirty hand prints covered the walls and carpet. And you can tell that something had ... at one time .. pierced their hand, due to the disfigurement of the palm prints left behind.

While confined to my earthly vessel revenge was never an option. If I'm going to do this it better be worth it. How should this Pope whoop some ass?

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2005-06-24T13:01:00

2005-06-24T17:02:06Z

To the person in the shadows who purchased a paid account for me, I thank you. If I knew who you were I'd be able to send you this coupon I just clipped for $1.00 off your next purchase at Stuckey's. Oh! and of course two free passes to Heaven - not valid on college night. Seriously though, thank you!

Does anyone out there have an cool/funny pope icons, or have you seen any?
maybe i should hold a pope icon making contest..yes? no? suck my toe?

Q: Did you hear about the new McDonald's McJackson sandwich?
A: It's a 35 year old slab of meat between two 12 year old buns.

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2005-06-22T12:00:00

2005-06-22T16:15:17Z

This has been such a slow day. I've managed to unpack the last of my things and I am officially, completely moved in. I think an aquarium would look nice in the living room, not to mention add more light. I hope everyone out there is doing great. You have no idea how awesome it is when you leave comments. I started looking into changing the layout of this journal but apparently i need a paid account. As I go through the pages of my friends i see all these really nice icons that some of you have. Makes the pope jealous.

The Pope landed at an airport just in time to get to an important meeting. His limo driver speedily takes off, but the Pope needs him to go faster in order to get to his meeting on time. The Pope asks the driver to switch places and so the Pope will drive.

They speedily take off again, and unfortunately, the limo is stopped by a cop. The cop takes one look at the situation and radios in to police headquarters. He tells the chief that he's got a pretty important person on his hands.

The police chief asked, "Is he more important than the mayor?" The cop said, "Yes." Then the chief asked, "Is he more important than the governor?" The cop said, "Yes." Then the chief asked, "Is he more important than the President?" The cop said, "Yes."

Finally, the chief asked, "How important can he be?" The cop said, "I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a driver."

Hello True Believers!

2005-06-18T07:55:32Z

Well the cable is out and Heavenvision can't get anyone out here until Sunday between 2-5pm. Post something to keep me amused, funny pictures, poems, photos of jesus in a compromising situation. I've now got AOL's Instant Messenger so hit me up for idle chat or prayer requests. If I don't answer you right away please know that I'll get to you as soon as I can.

Until next time,
JP2

conversations of the purest forms of evil..

2005-06-13T18:43:14Z

Kids Say The Darndest Things...

2005-06-13T01:49:46Z

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Moses died before he ever reached Canada."
"Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you."
"A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony."

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2005-06-10T18:25:00

2005-06-10T22:32:54Z

What is everyone doing over summer break? I've been seriously thinking about maybe going on a walkabout. Heaven is pretty slow this time of year. A lot of residents take summer vacations to beautiful destinations or even visit a different dimention. I'm unable to make up my mind.

Did anyone else get addicted to LOST on abc? If you want a reason as to why I wasn't around, that show is the reason. God and I sat for days trying to figure it out. We have our own theories and that ending - threw us for a loop.

Holla back
JP2.

The 2005 Ratzinger Family Reunion Recap...

2005-04-29T01:55:44Z

unkie adolf kicking off this years festivities

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2005-04-26T23:14:00

2005-04-27T03:16:41Z

I feel terrible but I had to have a day to myself. When God called I just let the machine get it. Here's a recording from his message left on my machine. notice the loneliness? i have no idea what to do, i can't avoid him forever.

the message

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2005-04-24T23:44:00

2005-04-25T03:55:42Z

I'm sorry for the lack of updating but please understand that God has been monopolizing my time. Every day he calls at the same time, we meet at the same cafe and talk about the same thing. He's goes on and on about how hard it is being the almighty. It's as if he forgets I was the friggin' Pope of the Catholic Church. Apparently he and Jesus have had a falling out because Jesus has moved in with St. Peter Jr. They're a cute couple if I say so myself.

Where's Terri and Johnny? it's like they died or something.

I'm Just Saying...

2005-04-21T20:35:29Z

The last time a german stood on a balcony being adored by throngs of worshippers...

Holy Smoke!

2005-04-20T04:48:54Z

Well here we are true believers the end of days. It's true, Bush Jr. is terrorizing the globe and the Catholic Church just chose a fucking Nazi as your new Pope. The people of the world haven't been this frightened since Clay Aiken released Measure Of A Man. Earlier God made the comment "I should have totally rethought that whole free will thing, dude." I say F the whole thing, you know there's nothing I can do. God wouldn't even smite him early, I asked. A Nazi, can you F'ing believe it? I would have totally been happy had they voted in that shiny skinned Jigaboo. Hello! Porch Monkey or Nazi? It's not rocket science.

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2005-04-19T14:10:00

2005-04-19T18:14:48Z

OH. MY. FUCK. ING. GOD!
(excuse me)

I spit my egg sandwich out and overturned the god damn(excuse me) table when I heard the news.

Can't really talk now, I was on my way out. I've been volunteering at the GLBT youth center.

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2005-04-14T13:08:00

2005-04-14T17:09:10Z

It's true that I appointed Ratzinger to enforce church doctrine setting him up in an office in the Vatican. I didn't want to house him within the Vatican, I had set aside a tool shed on the back lawn near the end of the property for him as an "office". They told me an official with the Vatican couldn't be housed in a tool shed. I fought it and fought it because I wasn't going to have some red, commie bastard living under my roof.

Have you seen photos of this guy? Jesus (no offense) he looks creepy. Not in an old man sort of way but in a Michael Jackson molestation kind of way. When I was Pope I wouldn't leave my big hats unattended around him and I always had to hide the good china. You're asking yourself "But Pope John Paul The Deuce, if you didn't trust him then why appoint him to the Vatican?" I would answer that question if I could remember. I had a reason, it just escapes me at the moment.

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2005-04-14T00:23:00

2005-04-14T04:28:02Z

A quick note before I head to bed, I've been keeping an eye on earth news because lets face it, even though I said I didn't care who the new Pope would be I didn't think in 100-million-years they'd ever consider an Adolf loving Kraut.

Had I known this I would have never died.

God help us (because you owe me one)

JP

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2005-04-10T19:25:00

2005-04-10T23:34:28Z

I stayed an extra day at the request of the almighty. I couldn't say "no", no one can, so we all stayed. The Vatican went all out for the service didn't they? Three coffins... reminded me of those german nesting dolls I once had as a child. I saw photos of nuns with binoculars and a lot of empty seats right up front that could have been filled by some of the attendants that were standing some three miles away.

[a person attending my funeral at the very end of the line.. in poland!]
"Is that the pope? It doesn't look like the pope. It looks like a grain of rice doing an impersonation of the pope."

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2005-04-08T02:13:00

2005-04-08T06:21:39Z

clears throat

LETS GET READYYYYYYYYYY TO BE BURRRRRRIEDDDDD!

The day is finally here boys and girls and did you hear? I just might become a Saint. Hot Damn!
A bunch of us are going over to the big guys house to watch the funeral on MSHeaven. He's been crying for days and he's the one who created death. Go Figure!

I'll be back this weekend. Wish me luck!

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2005-04-07T00:20:00

2005-04-07T04:22:13Z

"I'm not saying she's a whore or anything but..."

Thank you, xerofilter.

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2005-04-05T01:17:00

2005-04-05T05:20:12Z

I certainly don't want to alarm anyone but I could have swore I just saw Jesus on a pogo stick with corn rows in his hair.

It's a shame you don't learn of these things until you get here.

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2005-04-04T22:41:00

2005-04-05T03:01:34Z

Sunday I slept in and that's the first time I've ever done that. It fells good not having such overwhelming responsibilities anymore. I'm just another person in Heaven, who just happens to be an ex Pope. Church services are held around the clock everyday, all day. I made it to a service around 6am, boy those Baptists sure know how to rock the Lords house. I high-tailed it out of there and finally found a Catholic service. For once I got to sit in the very back.. and played PSP.

Clothes are another thing I wanted to tell everyone about. In Heaven there's no need to worry about clothes. No! we don't stroll around naked although some of the ladies around here barely wear anything. For the first time in 84 years I'm happy to report that my twig and berries do in fact work.

Clothes, we were talking about clothes...
What ever it is that you want to wear is already in your closet. You reach in and pull it right out. So today I wore sandals, orange capri pants and a black Aerosmith t-shirt from their summer of '85 tour. I shuffled around the streets and spoke with a lot of people including a young man that I met once during a visit to the states.

Has anyone caught the news lately? I came up to an Earth News kiosk and saw that pall bearers were carrying my body through St. Peter's Square. I forgot all about that procedure until I saw a photo. What's the deal with them dressing me up like Santa Claus? I told them I didn't look good in red and I certainly don't look good dead...in red.

popejohnpaul_ii @ 2005-04-03T04:38:00

2005-04-03T08:55:35Z

I am drunk off my keister.

God, John Lennon, Red Skelton and myself sat around talking and drinking like fish. I've always been a Pope who couldn't hold his liquor. I was made fun of in seminary by the other boys because my body has a two drink maximum.

One drink: feeling good

Two drinks: feeling real real good

Third drink: vomit, naked, waking up the next day in a different city.

Heaven is like a casino there are no windows or clocks. I couldn't tell you how long I spent with the boys. I do know that Terri obviously heard wrong on the whole tree house issue. Personally I think she's been talking to Johnny Cochran a wee-bit too much. I do not live in a tree house. What I did get is a nice three bedroom condo only four blocks from down town Heaven close to shopping and fine dining.